So I had to delete my account for a bit to make sure one of my sisters didn't creep. But I guess it's all good now so I'm back. I barely started this but I already missed it - it's good to have a place to bitch and whine when no one is looking :)
On Friday I finally went to this concert that I've been dreaming of for years. I was still fat but I forced myself to ignore it as much as I can, just for that one night. I knew that if I didn't, not only would I ruin this day for myself, but also for my sister. The way it usually goes is: we plan to go somewhere, we're excited, we start getting ready, shower, makeup.. outfit.. It goes downhill from there. I keep changing because I look terrible in everything. I ask her for help even though I know that not a piece of clothing exists that will satisfy me. But I still hope. Then I start panicking, hating myself and I say I'm not going. She says she won't go without me. I say I'll be fine, just please go. I cry, she cries. She begs me to get help, I say I don't need it. I feel awful for doing this to her. I wan't her to go and have fun but I know she's not able to do it while I stay home hating myself. And then one of two things happens: I either suck it up, stop being selfish and go, pretending that I just suddenly stopped caring, or we both stay.
Anyway, we took molly but it didn't fucking work. Maybe for 10 mins I was really happy.Seriously?? I paid $40 bucks for this shit. We were pissed but I guess sometimes it doesn't work when you do it for the first time. Me and my friend just got a beer and we decided to have fun annyway. My sister was really pissed since she didn't even have a beer, so I took her hand and told her (this was during my moment of happiness): Lets just be happy, we won't have this night ever again. I'm going to give you half of the happiness that I feel! Take it through the love we share, and the bond that no one else has but us! We hugged and then it was just an amazing night. We didn't have the floor tickets because they sold out quickly, but we did get in there! Tiesto is so good, we danced our butts off!
When they opened the floor, we ran there before they closed it again and we got a little lost. I started looking around for my friends and there was this guy standing behind me. He heard me speaking polish so he said: " Are you looking for me? I think you are:)" I was like, no, I'm looking for my friends but inside I was like HELL YES. He was soo hot. Tall, sexy, looked like a real man. And those lips.. omg. We danced all night and then he gave me his number because his phone was dead. He texted me a couple of times but I don't think he's interested. And I'm sure it's due to the fact that I'm too fat. You can't imagine how embarrassed I felt when he PICKED ME UP. Yes, he picked me up during the concert. I was just like: GOD, why? I don't remembered last time I was so embarrassed. I think he just gave me his number and texted me because he felt bad or something. So yeah, I just ruined a perfect love story because I can't deal with food like a civilized person. Fuck me.
I hope this will just give me motivation to keep trying. I was already surprised that a perfect guy like him even paid attention to me. Maybe if I can change, I will find someone else like him.
Do you ever hate yourself for hating yourself?
