I'm just a fucking psycho, aren't I? But so are you.

Why is it that people are so fake? I guess I know- I mean, we're all fake to some level. By why would someone want to fuck over a good friend? Someone that really cares about you and doesn't want anything but just a little love in return. Just some appreciation, and honesty. I always knew how disgusting people are but after a little while without direct contact with bullshit, I tend to forget. Or hope that maybe I was wrong and people aren't that bad. And then all I need to go back to depression mode is a story. It doesn't even have to involve me, just anyone that was betrayed, ignored, forgotten by some selfish human being. It just makes me sick! Why hurt somebody for no reason??? If hell exists, we will probably all burn there. But can something more cruel than this place exist?

I've been thinking lately and I figured something out about life. Nothing matters. No matter what happens, there's some way to keep on living. And if not, there's death. Relief. So I thought I can just keep on living and try to make the best of it. After all, every passing day is one step closer to relief. So why not just celebrate every day. It really helped me to be happier but I forgot how much people can affect my mood. My life. Sometimes I want to fucking beat up some customers at work. I only see them for a few minutes but they manage to make me hate them with passion. To make me with I just never existed in this fucked up world.

Maybe the solution is to just surround myself with a group of friends that you can trust no matter what. But it is so hard to find them. I'm pretty anti-social, although I like to hang out with good friends. I just can't handle fake people. If I have to be around someone like that, I will just constantly think about how much I can't stand them.

I'm a fake bitch too. I really am. But I will not betray my friends. I care about my friends more than I care about myself. Much more.

Honestly, I wanted to write something but I didn't know what. I have such strong feelings about life that I can't put them into words. It's just really hard. I love life one minute, I hate it the next minute. But what I hate the most is myself. Sometimes I wish I was just as fake as others. Sometimes I don't know what I wish.

I just want to start doing things right. I do wrong things, I think wrong thoughts. I try not to but I can't stop. I want to be good. Without being someone other than myself.

And of course, I think the solution is to be skinny. I just really have to. I can not and will not be fat this summer. Fuck no. I would just humiliate myself.In June I will have four days to be happy. To make up for all the happy moments that I keep missing because I'm fat. And if I look good, those four days will be so much better. I just want to feel good in my own skin for four fucking days and then I don't even care. I could just die happy. What fascinates me about EDC is that people go there, forget about their problems, their past, their future and just have fun. Everyone is friendly, there is no time to be fake. Because all that matters is this moment right now. Past? It's gone, it will not come back. It is not important because it's not here. It's an illusion, it only exists in our mind. Same with the future. Not here, doesn't exist.

None of this makes sense.




ANYWAYS...
Yup, I'm fat. I managed not to purge for about a week (until today) because my throat started hurting after a b/p marathon. This never happened before, it seems like I'm stepping into the serious zone. I can't pretend this is temporary anymore. I can't pretend I don't have a problem. It's been too long.
Going to the gym with my sis when she gets back from work. I love her. I can't let people hurt her. I think that I am actually hurt more than she is when someone fucks her over. Seriously.
We're both broke due to our trip to Vegas but we still manage to get weed. It's just fucking necessary to live to this planet.
Yesterday we smoked with a fake bitch that caused me to write all this depressing shit up there. I just sat there hating her more with every second. Then I spaced out to come up with THIS: I am mentally retarded. Yes, I convinced myself that I am mentally retarded and people act a certain way towards me because of that fact. Some are good friends because they want to prove to themselves and others that they are good people. Bad people aren't good friends with idiots, right? Others are friendly because they feel sorry for me. And the rest are these people that I don't really know but they give me 'the look' every time they pass by, and the people that try to avoid looking so that I think I'm normal. It worked, I thought I was normal. But now I know.


I'm just a fucking psycho, aren't I? But so are you.

 Give me release. Let the waves or time and space surround me.
'Cause I need room to breathe - let me float back to the place you found me.
I'll be okay.