Time

It's been a while.. Crazy how people change. I just read some of my past posts and I'm definitely very different now. One thing that hasn't change is my size of course.
So EDC came and went, and it was better than I could ever imagine. I even went to EDC Chicago. Vegas was definitely better but there is just something magical about that place. I could talk about it for days but you will only understand when you experience it. I should probably mention that I tried coke for the first time in Vegas, and I finally lost my virginity. Yes, I was a virgin. I wanted to wait for that 'special' guy but I think I'm too picky so I never found him. Now that I realized I'm not interested in being in a relationship anytime soon, I figured it's time to just do it. So I did it with a guy that I knew for 3 days- won't see him again. Although he told me to let him know when I come to LA. And surprisingly, I din't feel like a slut. I either lost my values or I just don't care anymore. Or a little bit of both. Anyways, it was pretty good and now next time will be even better. So goal accomplished.
I'm a blonde now.. Still not too convinced that it looks good on me but people like it. I've also had a few brave souls tell me that I look better in my natural color. But since I already fucked up my hair with bleach (it's crazy how smooth they were before compared to now), I'm gonna go a little lighter and see how I like it. I definitely need a tan too, I am white as a ghost.
Of course I was fat at EDC. I'm all talk, huh? It makes my sick and I don't even wanna start. I managed to get a little lower than my lowest weight, but still, that's fat. I'm running out of ideas to get motivated. I wanna go to see Kaskade October 12 but I'm so broke after Vegas that I can't even purchase my ticket yet. Once I have it, I will probably gain some motivation. I'm starting this cleanse on Sunday.. I start every day (it's 3 days) with drinking a glass of water with a tablespoon of epsom salt, and then I make 4L of this juice to drink all day. Nothing but the juice. It's 900ml of fresh orange juice, 900ml of grapefruit juice, and 200ml of lemon juice, mixed with 2L of water. I'm gonna be doing some serious squeezing.
I started riding a bike on some days, figured I will slip into my workout routine like back in the day. So far it didn't help but I will keep trying. I know that eventually I'll succeed. I realized I can do anything if I'm confident enough. So I'm trying to get myself to a place where I'm pretty much in love with myself. I've hated myself my whole life so why not just stick to the extremes. It's all or nothing.
I have this dream of moving to California. Not to be a model or an actress, not. Just to live. And be free from all the shit here. I'm seriously sick of this boring place. I want endless summer so that I don't ever get fat and depressed in the winter. I wan't to be on my own, completely independent, with nobody all up in my business. My mom has been so nosy lately, and so has my old pregnant sister. I can only count on my little sister but now she has a bf so I don't know what will happen. I  think i'm on my own again. Like I was before we became friends. Lonely. It's scary when I think about it.
Oh well, I'm gonna have to move alone. I just don't know what will happen with school. If I don't get into any program, I will just go ahead and do my bachelors first. Hopefully I can do that in cali. If I get into a program in my state, I will probably just stay, and move after I graduate.
I will move there though. It's not a dream, it's my fucking plan.