Hopeless.

I fucked up yesterday. I did very well until I got back home from work (6pm). Nothing but gum, redbull zero, water and diet coke. Then my sister was going to her evening class and I decided to go with her so I can do my assignment in the library. She wanted to get high before so we went and got weed. Needless to say, I was to high to even do my assignment and we ended up getting fast food after her class. I had a feeling I should stay home or I will screw up and I went anyway. The thing is, when I'm with my sister I always fuck up because she eats like a horse but is still skinny. I made her promise before we left that she will not let me eat, and that she will not eat around me. I can't trust anybody. I have to be alone in order to control myslef. When I'm with somebody I feel like that's enough of an excuse to ruin everything.
Anyways, I was going to purge after we got back home but my sister went to take a bath so I couldn't use my usual bathroom. My niece was sleeping over so I was going to go downstairs as soon as she falls asleep but of course I fell asleep too. I've done this shit so many times, I should have learned by now. I woke up with the worst feeling in the morning, I'm still pissed and depressed. This guy texted me to hangout on saturday and I'm a whale. One thing I know for sure - I will not eat a thing until Saturday night/Sunday morning.
I'm so fat right now, I don't eben know when was the last time i weighted so much. I need to lose at least 4kgs to even feel okay when I go out in public. Right now I just want to be invisible.
Off to work.

Drastic Measures

As of right now, my fast has begun. I will try to go as long as I can to prove to myself that I still have the power to do this. I am way too fat to allow myself eating  considering I have absolutely no control left over myself. This fast is a desperate attempt to gain at least some of it back. To rewind to the days where I was so empty that I could hear the water run down the walls of my esophagus. I crave the feeling of satisfaction every morning as I trace my hip bones with the index finger.
I have a feeling that something is coming and I have to look my best. No more nonsense. I can't let my life just slip right through my fingers, I want to live it. I can't be myself in this body.
After the fast I will try to eat little and as healthy as possible. I don't want to loose my already thin hair, so I'm going to be taking prenatal vitamins. I also need to get on some good birth control to clear up my skin, and then get a tan. Might take a while since I have so much shit to pay. It's killing me.
My fucking belly button won't heal. Bastard is taking its' time since last February. Seriously? I'm not giving up no matter how long it takes.
In  other news: work is exhausting, school is exhausting, life is exhausting. I feel like I'm slipping into the hole I was in last year at this time. I know I can still turn back if I only lose some weight. I will feel much better.
I need a change. Something little, just to add to my routine change. I don't know if it's only me but it always helps me when I do a little make-over to my room. I feel like I'm starting this whole new life and my routing can change with it. I should do this tomorrow. There will be a lot of extra time that I would otherwise spend eating my brains out. Hopefully I can start reading again. The lack of reading in the last couple years of my life made me feel really stupid.

Operation Motivation

So I met this guy at a bar last weekend and I see the potential for possibly liking him in the future.. So far i only seen him once but I like everything I know about him up to this point. He is really sweet and down to earth... Like nobody I've met before. I think he might like me and I have to make sure that he will, that is, only if I grow to like him more. So tomorrow I start strive died and exercise regime. I know from experience that this kind of motivation works best. He already plans to hangout next weekend with my friends and his friend and there might be jacuzzi involved so I will have to make something up for now. Until I reach un acceptable weight. I will attempt the Copenhagen diet first an see how it goes.

In the other news. Life's pretty normal. I stress out about school and my application process to a university.. I'm doing progress, slowly but surely. Hopefully I can get in and make momma proud. Another source of stress is money. Car payments are killing me and I still owe money to my parents for my classes. Also I have no money saved for next semester which is around $1500. I hope I get back some money that I borrowed to my sisters and my friend.
I also starred eating like a pig in the last couple weeks which definitely had an impact on my weight. weight used to never eat fast food until just a few months ago when I went to Wendy's and fell in love with this grilled chicken sandwich with cheese bacon and ranch sauce. My obsession with it then turned into an obsession with taco bell's smothered burrito.. Soo good! I hate fast food I need to start eating salads for lunch at work like I used to. I look and feel gross. My thighs are balls of cellulite and my stomach isn't much smaller than that of my 8.5month pregnant sister. I had reached the point of  no return and I'm relieved  it's here because now I know it will only get better. Good things are waiting!

Time

It's been a while.. Crazy how people change. I just read some of my past posts and I'm definitely very different now. One thing that hasn't change is my size of course.
So EDC came and went, and it was better than I could ever imagine. I even went to EDC Chicago. Vegas was definitely better but there is just something magical about that place. I could talk about it for days but you will only understand when you experience it. I should probably mention that I tried coke for the first time in Vegas, and I finally lost my virginity. Yes, I was a virgin. I wanted to wait for that 'special' guy but I think I'm too picky so I never found him. Now that I realized I'm not interested in being in a relationship anytime soon, I figured it's time to just do it. So I did it with a guy that I knew for 3 days- won't see him again. Although he told me to let him know when I come to LA. And surprisingly, I din't feel like a slut. I either lost my values or I just don't care anymore. Or a little bit of both. Anyways, it was pretty good and now next time will be even better. So goal accomplished.
I'm a blonde now.. Still not too convinced that it looks good on me but people like it. I've also had a few brave souls tell me that I look better in my natural color. But since I already fucked up my hair with bleach (it's crazy how smooth they were before compared to now), I'm gonna go a little lighter and see how I like it. I definitely need a tan too, I am white as a ghost.
Of course I was fat at EDC. I'm all talk, huh? It makes my sick and I don't even wanna start. I managed to get a little lower than my lowest weight, but still, that's fat. I'm running out of ideas to get motivated. I wanna go to see Kaskade October 12 but I'm so broke after Vegas that I can't even purchase my ticket yet. Once I have it, I will probably gain some motivation. I'm starting this cleanse on Sunday.. I start every day (it's 3 days) with drinking a glass of water with a tablespoon of epsom salt, and then I make 4L of this juice to drink all day. Nothing but the juice. It's 900ml of fresh orange juice, 900ml of grapefruit juice, and 200ml of lemon juice, mixed with 2L of water. I'm gonna be doing some serious squeezing.
I started riding a bike on some days, figured I will slip into my workout routine like back in the day. So far it didn't help but I will keep trying. I know that eventually I'll succeed. I realized I can do anything if I'm confident enough. So I'm trying to get myself to a place where I'm pretty much in love with myself. I've hated myself my whole life so why not just stick to the extremes. It's all or nothing.
I have this dream of moving to California. Not to be a model or an actress, not. Just to live. And be free from all the shit here. I'm seriously sick of this boring place. I want endless summer so that I don't ever get fat and depressed in the winter. I wan't to be on my own, completely independent, with nobody all up in my business. My mom has been so nosy lately, and so has my old pregnant sister. I can only count on my little sister but now she has a bf so I don't know what will happen. I  think i'm on my own again. Like I was before we became friends. Lonely. It's scary when I think about it.
Oh well, I'm gonna have to move alone. I just don't know what will happen with school. If I don't get into any program, I will just go ahead and do my bachelors first. Hopefully I can do that in cali. If I get into a program in my state, I will probably just stay, and move after I graduate.
I will move there though. It's not a dream, it's my fucking plan.

I'm just a fucking psycho, aren't I? But so are you.

Why is it that people are so fake? I guess I know- I mean, we're all fake to some level. By why would someone want to fuck over a good friend? Someone that really cares about you and doesn't want anything but just a little love in return. Just some appreciation, and honesty. I always knew how disgusting people are but after a little while without direct contact with bullshit, I tend to forget. Or hope that maybe I was wrong and people aren't that bad. And then all I need to go back to depression mode is a story. It doesn't even have to involve me, just anyone that was betrayed, ignored, forgotten by some selfish human being. It just makes me sick! Why hurt somebody for no reason??? If hell exists, we will probably all burn there. But can something more cruel than this place exist?

I've been thinking lately and I figured something out about life. Nothing matters. No matter what happens, there's some way to keep on living. And if not, there's death. Relief. So I thought I can just keep on living and try to make the best of it. After all, every passing day is one step closer to relief. So why not just celebrate every day. It really helped me to be happier but I forgot how much people can affect my mood. My life. Sometimes I want to fucking beat up some customers at work. I only see them for a few minutes but they manage to make me hate them with passion. To make me with I just never existed in this fucked up world.

Maybe the solution is to just surround myself with a group of friends that you can trust no matter what. But it is so hard to find them. I'm pretty anti-social, although I like to hang out with good friends. I just can't handle fake people. If I have to be around someone like that, I will just constantly think about how much I can't stand them.

I'm a fake bitch too. I really am. But I will not betray my friends. I care about my friends more than I care about myself. Much more.

Honestly, I wanted to write something but I didn't know what. I have such strong feelings about life that I can't put them into words. It's just really hard. I love life one minute, I hate it the next minute. But what I hate the most is myself. Sometimes I wish I was just as fake as others. Sometimes I don't know what I wish.

I just want to start doing things right. I do wrong things, I think wrong thoughts. I try not to but I can't stop. I want to be good. Without being someone other than myself.

And of course, I think the solution is to be skinny. I just really have to. I can not and will not be fat this summer. Fuck no. I would just humiliate myself.In June I will have four days to be happy. To make up for all the happy moments that I keep missing because I'm fat. And if I look good, those four days will be so much better. I just want to feel good in my own skin for four fucking days and then I don't even care. I could just die happy. What fascinates me about EDC is that people go there, forget about their problems, their past, their future and just have fun. Everyone is friendly, there is no time to be fake. Because all that matters is this moment right now. Past? It's gone, it will not come back. It is not important because it's not here. It's an illusion, it only exists in our mind. Same with the future. Not here, doesn't exist.

None of this makes sense.




ANYWAYS...
Yup, I'm fat. I managed not to purge for about a week (until today) because my throat started hurting after a b/p marathon. This never happened before, it seems like I'm stepping into the serious zone. I can't pretend this is temporary anymore. I can't pretend I don't have a problem. It's been too long.
Going to the gym with my sis when she gets back from work. I love her. I can't let people hurt her. I think that I am actually hurt more than she is when someone fucks her over. Seriously.
We're both broke due to our trip to Vegas but we still manage to get weed. It's just fucking necessary to live to this planet.
Yesterday we smoked with a fake bitch that caused me to write all this depressing shit up there. I just sat there hating her more with every second. Then I spaced out to come up with THIS: I am mentally retarded. Yes, I convinced myself that I am mentally retarded and people act a certain way towards me because of that fact. Some are good friends because they want to prove to themselves and others that they are good people. Bad people aren't good friends with idiots, right? Others are friendly because they feel sorry for me. And the rest are these people that I don't really know but they give me 'the look' every time they pass by, and the people that try to avoid looking so that I think I'm normal. It worked, I thought I was normal. But now I know.


I'm just a fucking psycho, aren't I? But so are you.

 Give me release. Let the waves or time and space surround me.
'Cause I need room to breathe - let me float back to the place you found me.
I'll be okay.

I'm just pissed for some reason. I kinda know the reason but it isn't something that should piss me off. I guess it's just one of those days. I hate it. Weed sounds really good right now but I'm broke :(

Today I finally signed up for gym again. My mom asked me and my sis to go and get a family membership - I was soo happy. I wanted to do it long time ago but I keep spending money on stupid shit. Well, not that stupid.. At least I had fun. So, the fact that mom paid really helped. Then, we rushed home to buy the EDC tickets, which went on sale today at noon pacific time. I was kinda afraid they might sell out, and also the sooner you get them, the cheaper they are. 10 mins before they went on sale I realized I lost my freaking card! I had to drive to the bank to get my card number (luckily I remembered the security code because they couldn't give that to me). I was really pissed at myself! What if they sold out? I would probably just lay down and wait for death to come. But, despite the unfortunate events, I got the tickets!! It just made my day, I was happy during my whole shift at work. Now I just have to take care of the hotel and the plane tickets. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

My diet is going better than I expected. Working out - not so much. I did some exercise but not much because I got sick over the weekend. Now that I have a gym membership AND edc tickets, nothing can go wrong. Because I am absolutely convinced that I will not go to Vegas fat. Oh hell no! Shit is going dooown!

I keep thinking about going blonde... I'm 21 and I still have my natural hair color (dark blonde). I always wanted to do it but I'm scared I will just look stupid. Or my hair gets all fucked up.. Not that it isn't already. My hair is so thin :( I hate it.

Give 'Healthy' a try?

So I was thinking that this whole ed thing really got me. It just doesn't scare me enough to try stopping it. I noticed it a few days ago.. A couple of months ago I was so depressed that all I wanted to do was leave somewhere where I can be invisible. I was just miserable:tears, panic and sadness. And I very rarely cried before that - I always wanted to think I'm tough, so every time i wanted to cry I just took a couple deep breaths and thought how much of a loser I am. It always worked. But then I lost it, nothing made sense anymore and I didn't think there's a purpose in life.
Then, in the past few weeks I've been feeling a lot better. I think it's because I realized that there is no purpose, nothing matters anymore. So I was like 'fuck it', and started having more fun. I still feel like shit about my looks but sometimes I manage to just leave it alone and let myself be happy for a moment. And I am slowly becoming happy.. I think. I just think there is hope. Maybe the purpose of life is to just live it. And have as much fun as you can :)
And just a few minutes ago it hit me - if I feel better now, maybe I should give healthy weight loss a chance again. I am so sick of being lazy! I used to work out all the time and I seriously thought it doesn't do shit if I'm still covered in fat. But now that I stopped for a few months I can see MORE fat on me, even though I weight LESS! Crazy shit. Technically, I knew that but I never really took it seriously. It's going to be hard now that I'm such a lazy bitch. So on Monday I will start serious diet/workout thing. I'm not sure what exactly I will do but I can work on that. I probably will attempt Insanity again because I enjoyed it the more. Or p90x if things get too intense.. Yes, I have both - I literally have tried everything but I also failed at everything. If anyone is reading this I would really appreciate some support. I will post pictures and all the info and progress to try and stay motivated.

Anyways!! I went to a sick concert last Sunday. Hardwell and Porter Robinson. The music was soo good and we were also rolling. If you haven't been to a house/ electronic dance music concert, let me tell you!! You will have the best time of your life! Loud music, amazing lights, plenty of really hot guys, nice people, everybody pretty much loves each other. Even if you're not a fan of house music, I promise you, you will love it! I went again the next day because they were playing again and my friends were going to some lame NYE parties. I was completely sober that day and it was still just as fun! Seriously the best nights of my life. I   Next time I go, I'm definitely rolling again but getting high or drunk is just as good and a lot cheaper.


Another thing I'm excited about (pshhh.. I am basically living it for the past month) is EDC aka Electric Daisy Carnival. I am going to the one in Vegas in the summer with some friends and I just know it will be epic. The tickets are going on sale on the 9th and I have to be ready the minute they start selling because there bitches sell out like fresh cookies! I really hope we are gonna be able to get them!