As of right now, my fast has begun. I will try to go as long as I can to prove to myself that I still have the power to do this. I am way too fat to allow myself eating considering I have absolutely no control left over myself. This fast is a desperate attempt to gain at least some of it back. To rewind to the days where I was so empty that I could hear the water run down the walls of my esophagus. I crave the feeling of satisfaction every morning as I trace my hip bones with the index finger.
I have a feeling that something is coming and I have to look my best. No more nonsense. I can't let my life just slip right through my fingers, I want to live it. I can't be myself in this body.
After the fast I will try to eat little and as healthy as possible. I don't want to loose my already thin hair, so I'm going to be taking prenatal vitamins. I also need to get on some good birth control to clear up my skin, and then get a tan. Might take a while since I have so much shit to pay. It's killing me.
My fucking belly button won't heal. Bastard is taking its' time since last February. Seriously? I'm not giving up no matter how long it takes.
In other news: work is exhausting, school is exhausting, life is exhausting. I feel like I'm slipping into the hole I was in last year at this time. I know I can still turn back if I only lose some weight. I will feel much better.
I need a change. Something little, just to add to my routine change. I don't know if it's only me but it always helps me when I do a little make-over to my room. I feel like I'm starting this whole new life and my routing can change with it. I should do this tomorrow. There will be a lot of extra time that I would otherwise spend eating my brains out. Hopefully I can start reading again. The lack of reading in the last couple years of my life made me feel really stupid.
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