Damage was done.

Thanksgiving. I don't even wanna talk about it. I probably gained 5lbs.

Tomorrow I have to weigh in first thing in the morning and see what exactly is the damage. All I know is that I don't want to see this number but I have to. And then I need to lay off the scale for a while, it hasn't been helping at all. I wonder if things would go better without it. I never tried before. Usually I step on the scale several times a day.
I also have to work in some exercise.. I'm so glad Christmas break is coming up! But on the other hand I'm terrified what will happen with my orgo grade. I absolutely loathe that class, I have no idea if I'm even capable of learning something for my exam that's this Wednesday. With God's help, I might be able to get a C. Not even dreaming of B anymore. I hope everything goes well.
I feel really hopeless about my weight right now. I need some change, some kind of motivation to get me back on the right track. But everything is shit right now.

Hopeless

I can't lose weight. I just keep gaining a little bit every day. It doesn't make sense. 

I'm afraid I have to actually start being healthy to lose it. Being healthy  is so much harder than just doing my old tricks... But I think my body doesn't buy it anymore.

What kind of a fucking loser am I? I know what I want and I don't go and get it. I loathe myself, I feel so hopeless and weak. I need to build up some strength and finally do it. Change my life. 

I went to movies with my sister after work and little did we know it was one of those days where tickets are half price and popcorn is free. We looked for a parking spot for about 25 mins just to find out all the shows are sold out until 9:45, which gave us 2 hours to spare. She really wanted to get pasta (she's pregnant) so we went to Olive Garden and ate like pigs. I was doing good up until that point. And then I saw myself in the bathroom mirror at the movies and I got depressed instantly. I am FAT.

So now I'm thinking of all kinds of ways to lose weight. I think I'm going to start eating more vegan every day and become a vegan in January. But the truth is I lost hope today. I don't even believe that I will be thin one day. I believed in that my whole life and now the feeling is just gone.

I just feel like shit today. I need to figure this out during the holidays. I also have a shitload of schoolwork to do. I just wanna lock myself in my room and not come out until I have it all planned out. But life has to go on.

Stress.

I am so stressed with school, family, my future that I can hardly enjoy my success with food. I've been good for the past few days and I can definitely see the difference. I can finally see my ribs- just a little but it feels good. I try to eat as little as possible. Yesterday I felt like shit for the first half of my shift at work because I was drinking the night before (on an empty stomach) and i didn't sleep much since i got home at 6 am. My friend got my this meat pie that they make at his home country and it was good but I only picked on it a little. Then I got home and ate some fish sticks (purged). Then I had two teas and that's it. Today I woke up and my stomach looked much better than in a long time. I need to start working out soon.
Today I have a day off and I'm planning to catch up on life. I'm going to do some homework, maybe study a little, finish my application to schools. Then I need to finally do my nails and eyebrows.
There is not much and so much going on at the same time. I don't know how to explain it. I ordered my birth control and I'm expecting it to arrive this week.
Thanksgiving is this Thursday and as always it's at my house. I hope I won't give into the shitload of nasty greasy food. I just want it to be over already.
I miss having a good friend that I can count on.
I have nothing else to say. My mind is empty.

it's just not working out

Things are not going well. I don't eat all day and then I eat like a monster right before sleep. Of course after I get high with my sister. And of course I plan to purge but I fall asleep before I manage to get up. Ridiculously pathetic. Might be time to really stop smoking and get my shit together. I feel like I'm just making it harder than it is.
I have to get my ass up and get ready for school.
I just remembered I had a dream and somebody was judging me. I don't remember any faces or anything but the fact that I was judged by the way I looked. Yet the only thing I remember hearing is that my teeth are yellow. Seriously? They're not fucking yellow!  I wish I could remember all the things they said.
I don't want to fuck up again today. Wish me luck?

I have a secret.

I feel like i secretly hate myself. It used to be clear to me - the hate was undeniable. But then things started getting better.. Even though they weren't. I talked myself into a little acceptance for myself, just to make life bearable, maybe even fun. And it worked, it really did. Since around a year ago, I've been going out a lot more, hanging out with friends, meeting new people. I tried to not be anti-social because I thought I'm better than that. But I am not. Even though I seem a lot more social than a year ago, I realized I'm just faking it. I desperately want to be normal and this is my attempt but deep inside I know it's not natural.
So back to the point.
I was sitting in class today staring at the teacher's face and gestures. I didn't have the slightest interest to actually hear what she says but I heard it, and I looked very much focused. The truth is I was looking at time passing. All the movements and sounds were just time passing by. And I started thinking about the guy I might like, S. I was thinking about how awesome it would be if he texted me. Just the thought of it got me excited because I really didn't think it was possible. What if he likes my friend? Why would he like me if he can like her? I look down at my phone and I see a text from S. The excitement quickly turned into doubt.
'Wait a minute.. If he likes ME he must be a weirdo. There must be something wrong with him, why would he like ME if he's normal? Do I like him?'
I had some time to analyze my thoughts and I think I do like him. I'm just afraid. I can't imagine dating somebody, it just seems so unfit for me. It hit me yesterday when I got high. I think it's because I'm anti-social. But hey, I don't give a shit. I will try to socialize anyway. Practice makes perfect, right?
As for intake today was a good day it it's not quite over yet.

It's Monday.

No news on my weight. It's still horrible. But hey, it's Monday. We can start a new life again. Of course I will take my chance. I will give a try to Copenhagen diet.. I will start with black coffee. Let's hope for the best.

So me and my friends hang out with the guys we met last weekend. We did it on Friday and Saturday and all I can say is I'm so glad we met. They are just awesome and I hope we stay friends forever. Also, I still like that guy so there's still motivation since I know we'll be spending more time together.

One thing I've been thinking a lot about lately is birth control. My main reason for desperately wanting to get it is clear skin. I dream of perfect smooth skin every day. My skin is pretty average but I'm very self conscious about it. So I did some research and decided i need to try Yasmin. I was going to save up money first because i don't have insurance and i would need at least two visits that would cost me at least $100 EACH plus the pill isn't cheap either. But I've heard about getting prescription drugs online without a prescription and today when I woke up i looked it up. Found a European online place where i can get a three month supply for around $70 (I don't remember exactly). I am ordering it as soon as i get my paycheck
I'm really excited to try this, I can't wait. In other news, I finally found my missing P90x and Insanity CDs which means I have no excuse not to start one of the programs. I will start Insanity because I like it better.

So I guess things are looking good. The only thing I really gave to worry about right now except for my weight is how will I pay my tuition due in December. I am hoping my sister can give me back the money she borrowed a while ago because without that, there is no other way than to ask my parents. And I don't want to do that.
Lets hope for the best :)

Hopeless.

I fucked up yesterday. I did very well until I got back home from work (6pm). Nothing but gum, redbull zero, water and diet coke. Then my sister was going to her evening class and I decided to go with her so I can do my assignment in the library. She wanted to get high before so we went and got weed. Needless to say, I was to high to even do my assignment and we ended up getting fast food after her class. I had a feeling I should stay home or I will screw up and I went anyway. The thing is, when I'm with my sister I always fuck up because she eats like a horse but is still skinny. I made her promise before we left that she will not let me eat, and that she will not eat around me. I can't trust anybody. I have to be alone in order to control myslef. When I'm with somebody I feel like that's enough of an excuse to ruin everything.
Anyways, I was going to purge after we got back home but my sister went to take a bath so I couldn't use my usual bathroom. My niece was sleeping over so I was going to go downstairs as soon as she falls asleep but of course I fell asleep too. I've done this shit so many times, I should have learned by now. I woke up with the worst feeling in the morning, I'm still pissed and depressed. This guy texted me to hangout on saturday and I'm a whale. One thing I know for sure - I will not eat a thing until Saturday night/Sunday morning.
I'm so fat right now, I don't eben know when was the last time i weighted so much. I need to lose at least 4kgs to even feel okay when I go out in public. Right now I just want to be invisible.
Off to work.