I have a secret.

I feel like i secretly hate myself. It used to be clear to me - the hate was undeniable. But then things started getting better.. Even though they weren't. I talked myself into a little acceptance for myself, just to make life bearable, maybe even fun. And it worked, it really did. Since around a year ago, I've been going out a lot more, hanging out with friends, meeting new people. I tried to not be anti-social because I thought I'm better than that. But I am not. Even though I seem a lot more social than a year ago, I realized I'm just faking it. I desperately want to be normal and this is my attempt but deep inside I know it's not natural.
So back to the point.
I was sitting in class today staring at the teacher's face and gestures. I didn't have the slightest interest to actually hear what she says but I heard it, and I looked very much focused. The truth is I was looking at time passing. All the movements and sounds were just time passing by. And I started thinking about the guy I might like, S. I was thinking about how awesome it would be if he texted me. Just the thought of it got me excited because I really didn't think it was possible. What if he likes my friend? Why would he like me if he can like her? I look down at my phone and I see a text from S. The excitement quickly turned into doubt.
'Wait a minute.. If he likes ME he must be a weirdo. There must be something wrong with him, why would he like ME if he's normal? Do I like him?'
I had some time to analyze my thoughts and I think I do like him. I'm just afraid. I can't imagine dating somebody, it just seems so unfit for me. It hit me yesterday when I got high. I think it's because I'm anti-social. But hey, I don't give a shit. I will try to socialize anyway. Practice makes perfect, right?
As for intake today was a good day it it's not quite over yet.