I'm afraid I have to actually start being healthy to lose it. Being healthy is so much harder than just doing my old tricks... But I think my body doesn't buy it anymore.
What kind of a fucking loser am I? I know what I want and I don't go and get it. I loathe myself, I feel so hopeless and weak. I need to build up some strength and finally do it. Change my life.
I went to movies with my sister after work and little did we know it was one of those days where tickets are half price and popcorn is free. We looked for a parking spot for about 25 mins just to find out all the shows are sold out until 9:45, which gave us 2 hours to spare. She really wanted to get pasta (she's pregnant) so we went to Olive Garden and ate like pigs. I was doing good up until that point. And then I saw myself in the bathroom mirror at the movies and I got depressed instantly. I am FAT.
So now I'm thinking of all kinds of ways to lose weight. I think I'm going to start eating more vegan every day and become a vegan in January. But the truth is I lost hope today. I don't even believe that I will be thin one day. I believed in that my whole life and now the feeling is just gone.
I just feel like shit today. I need to figure this out during the holidays. I also have a shitload of schoolwork to do. I just wanna lock myself in my room and not come out until I have it all planned out. But life has to go on.
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